


even the brave

by daydoodles



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Related, Comfort/Angst, Depression, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, POV Third Person, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 06:45:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4294686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydoodles/pseuds/daydoodles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tobio had wanted a fresh start, but he didn't think he'd get one. He'd come to terms with it, and accepted the fact that nothing would change; after all, no one would ever find out his secret. Or so he thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	even the brave

**Author's Note:**

> I got a request on tumblr to do a Kagehina piece based off of the song "Walk You Home" by Karmina, and it was way more relevant to my life than I expected.
> 
> The issues Kags faces are 100% based on my own experience, I'm not romanticising or encouraging them in any way. Pay attention to the tags, my loves! Stay safe~

Tobio had been desperately hoping that this time, it would be different.

That was the whole reason he hadn't gone to school with any of his old teammates; they knew much more than he'd planned for them to find out, and the last thing he wanted was for anyone to learn about his...messy past. Well, maybe messy wasn't exactly the right word, but his situation at the moment was, quite literally, a mess regardless.

His eyes darted to the bathtub, and he wondered how long it would be before his mother got home from work. She'd want to have dinner when she got back, and he wasn't entirely sure what time it was at the moment, so he'd have to be fast cleaning up. Fuck, he couldn't even manage this without ruining it somehow. No wonder no one liked him.

He started the tap, peeling his slightly damp clothes off and tossing them into a heap on the floor. At least the stains weren't too bad this time; he could just offer to do the laundry tomorrow, and his parents would never even have to know. Actually, the plan was that they'd never find out, no matter how much of a mess he made; this was, after all, his mess to deal with. And really, nobody likes cleaning blood up. He couldn't do that to his mother.

He stashed the blade he'd freed from a disposable razor in its usual spot under his toothpaste in the drawer of the vanity, and flipped the showerhead on as he climbed into the stream of water. It turned crimson the instant it made contact with his skin, and he mindlessly watched it swirl down the drain where it belonged.

His arms stung like fire, but his brain barely even registered that fact. He was starting to get used to this, which would be a problem. If he was going to keep punishing himself (as much as he deserved, that is) he'd have to start being more creative. He'd stapled his thighs once before, so maybe he'd try that again.

For the time being, though, this was good enough. The water pressure was opening the cuts that had started to heal, fresh blood forming miniature waterfalls down his forearms. It was brighter than the dried up blood that he'd washed off just moments before, and somehow it was more satisfying this way. It looked more vital to his health when it was so vibrant, and so it was seemingly more detrimental when it was lost. Tobio reasoned that it probably wasn't; blood loss is blood loss, no matter how fresh the fluid itself was. But if it made him even a tiny bit more sane, he'd do what he had to.

He reached for his bar of soap, lathering it up and dragging it across the mangled skin of his wrists. He winced, whimpering a little as the suds ignited a fire in his wounds. He hated it, but he hated himself more, and at least this way he could actually feel something. He used to feel happy sometimes, like when he was playing volleyball, but now it had been so long since that had happened he couldn't even remember what happy felt like.

After he had finished washing, he shut off the water and stepped out, wrapping himself in a towel as he shuffled to the door. The fluffy fabric was scratchy against his cuts, but he didn't really notice. He was too busy picking up his bloody clothes and tossing them into the hamper, burying them so that no one would see. Not that many people came to his house, anyway; it had been a long time since he'd had friends.

He pulled a sweatshirt over his head, along with some clean shorts, and towelled his hair dry while he waited for his mother to arrive. Just as he was hanging his towel on a rack in the bathroom, he heard the front door slide open. "Hey, mom!" he called down the hallway.

"Hi, sweetie! Come on, it's time for dinner!" she replied like she always did. At least Tobio could count on that.

She'd brought home curry from their favourite place down the street, which Tobio was grateful for. Despite the fact that every time he moved, the rough fabric of his sweatshirt sent little daggers of pain up his arms, he managed a smile and a murmur of thanks for going to the trouble to bring home food. His mother waved her hand dismissively; like Tobio, she didn't do well with praise.

After they'd set the table and settled in to start eating, she eyed him carefully like she always did when she had something on her mind. "So Tobio, have you made any friends at your new school?"

There it was. "Well, it's only been a couple weeks...but there's a few people on the volleyball team that I like."

His mom nodded, satisfied for the time being, at least. "That's good. I don't know why the kids at your old school were so antisocial." She chewed thoughtfully, probably trying to figure it out even now.

He hadn't told her, of course, how he'd essentially isolated himself all on his own; in her mind, it was everyone's fault but Tobio's. It was easier that way, but it also made him feel even more like complete shit. Not that it mattered, because that's what he was.

The rest of the meal went uneventfully; his mom talked about what was happening at work, and Tobio gave her a brief overview of what his teachers were like and asked for some cash to use to buy a milk box the next day. Overall, it was a typical conversation, much like the ones they always had when it was just the two of them. His dad was the one who was always asking too many questions, so Tobio counted it a blessing when he was working late.

Afterward, he excused himself by saying he had to catch up on homework, and his mother wished him good luck before flipping on some reality show she'd gotten into the habit of watching lately. Tobio breathed a sigh of relief, closing the door to his room and climbing into bed. It was only 7:00, but he felt weirdly exhausted for some reason. Maybe it was blood loss. He kind of hoped it was.

-

Tobio was always the last to change after practice, mostly because his teammates were way too open about their bodies. He wasn't self-conscious, really, but most people had a tendency to get freaked out by the ragged scars covering his arms. That's also why he always wore a sweatshirt to practice, when half the team was running around shirtless.

So needless to say, he took his time in the showers, till he was sure he'd have the locker room to himself like always. He tied a towel round his waist, padding over to the bench where he'd set his change of clothes just as he heard the familiar creak of door hinges.

"Kageyama? What are you still doing here?" the tiny silhouette in the doorframe asked.

Tobio spun around, eyes widening as he realised how vulnerable he was at the moment. "Wait, Hinata? What are you doing here?" he stuttered as he fumbled around in an attempt to cover himself with something.

"Coach had to leave early today, so he asked me to lock up for him! But I don't know where he put the -" He stopped, eyes flashing with something that looked dangerously like pity as they fell on Tobio's lacerated forearms. "Uhm, Kageyama? What happened?" He stepped closer, and Tobio backed up against the lockers.

"Nothing much," he mumbled. "My cat got me, is all."

Hinata was still inching his way closer, and Tobio was starting to panic. He hadn't actually thought of what he'd do in this situation, and he mentally cursed himself for it. Of course he needed a believable story, and of course the best he'd come up with on the spot was a cat. He was such a dumbass.

Hinata wasn't acting like he thought that, though. He was only an arm's length away by now, and he leaned down to further inspect the scabs covering Tobio's scar tissue. "How many times?" was all he said.

"A....lot?" Tobio's breath was starting to quicken, which never ended well. He couldn't have a panic attack here, of all places, and certainly not with someone as observant as Hinata around.

The boy in question looked up at Tobio, eyes void of their characteristic cheery glimmer. "Kageyama, tell me the truth." His lip was starting to quiver a little; Tobio's worst nightmare was coming true.

"Look, it isn't really your business if -"

Hinata slammed a fist against the metal of a nearby locker door. "Don't give me that! You're always calling me a dumbass, but you're the stupid one if you think I don't care enough about you to want to help!" He was breathing heavily, and Tobio was hyperaware of the close proximity they currently shared. "I don't want to guilt trip you, and I'm not gonna make you tell me, but didn't you think someone would find out eventually? If you don't tell me, then who will you tell?" His hand was still propped against the wall, and Tobio felt a little claustrophobic.

Maybe that's what sent him over the edge, or maybe it was just the fear of having to verbalise his actions; but whatever the reason, he was on the ground in seconds. He hugged his knees close to his chest, rocking back and forth a little like crazy people do in movies. His breath was shallow and choppy, vision blurring quickly before the tears even started.

"I don't want to do this to myself, you idiot! I just - I can't help it! I deserve it," he sobbed, and Hinata's face fell immediately. He sat down on the floor next to Tobio, pulling him in to rest his head on his tiny chest. Tobio could hear his heartbeat through the thin fabric of his shirt, and he matched his breaths to the rhythm. Surprisingly, it helped.

"I didn't say you wanted to." Hinata sighed, laying his cheek on the top of Tobio's head. "And I don't think you're stupid, I was just trying to get your attention and I was scared. I still am," he admitted as Tobio felt a drop fall onto his nose.

He pulled back a little, still breathing out of time but steady enough to focus his eyes on Hinata's face. "Hey, don't cry," he said as he swiped his thumb across the other boy's cheeks. "Jesus, the last thing I want to do is make you cry."

"Then what do you want to do?" Hinata said it like it was a challenge, or a dare.

"Die." There, he said it. Hopefully Hinata would leave him alone now.

"Why, though? Don't you care about yourself at all?"

"No, dumbass. You don't kill people you care about."

Hinata's mouth dropped open a little. Fuck. "You've thought about killing yourself?" he whispered, though his breath hitched in his throat more than once.

Tobio just nodded. "I tried once."

"What? When?" Hinata was pulling him closer again, though in order to do that he had to practically sit in Tobio's lap. He didn't mind, really.

"Last year. No one at my old school liked me, they all made fun of me, called me the King of the Court, and I -" he took a shaky breath, letting it out slowly to steady his thoughts. "I couldn't take it. I wanted it to end, is all."

"How'd you do it?"

Tobio blinked at him. "What?"

"How did you try to kill yourself? What did you do?"

Tobio stared at Hinata, whose face was full of concentration. "Uhm, I just slit my wrists. It didn't work, obviously. I guess I didn't cut deep enough." He ran a finger across the uneven skin of his wrist, and Hinata placed a small hand over his to stop him.

"Don't die, Kageyama. I know you probably think it's for the best, but I swear it isn't. You may not love yourself, but that's okay, it's hard to do sometimes. But there are people who do love you, so stay." His eyes were glassy, and Tobio hated that he was making Hinata cry. He was utterly disgusting.

"Like who?" was all he said.

"Like me."

Tobio's head shot up, eyes focusing to meet Hinata's gaze. "What?"

"I do, I love you. I know I haven't known you that long, but it's kind of like I finally feel like I'm complete. And I know that I can't do that for you, no one can, but I do want to help you get better. I want to help you learn to love yourself, even if it takes forever." He shifted away, standing up and stretching his hand out toward Tobio. "The moon can't shine without the sun, y'know? Sometimes we all need a little help seeing the light."

Tobio took his hand, hoisting himself off the floor and smashing Hinata against his chest. "Thanks. I don't really know what to do about...this, but I'll feel better if you stay with me."

Hinata wrapped his arms around Tobio's torso, squeezing him as tight as he could while still being gentle. "I'll always be here, Kageyama. Promise." He smiled up at him, and Tobio felt his heart skip a beat from something other than pain for once. "I think we should start by telling your parents; they can get you help. Can I walk you home?"

Tobio nodded, pulling away and throwing on his clothes before gathering up the rest of his stuff. Hinata locked the door behind them, pulling out his phone and a pair of earbuds. "I usually listen to Passion Pit on the way home, but you can pick today," he said as he handed Tobio the phone and one of the earbuds.

Tobio took them, sticking the earbud in place and going to YouTube to find his favourite song. He pressed play, and Hinata closed his eyes as they walked, taking in every word.

 _People tell me to be cautious_  
_People tell me not to lose my self control_  
_People tell me to be flawless_  
_People tell me not to let myself evolve_

He hummed along for a bit, before opening his eyes again and directing his gaze to Tobio. "You're amazing, you know that? It takes a lot to admit you need help, and everybody needs it sometimes. Even people as brave as you."

Tobio didn't know how to reply to that, so he just took Hinata's hand and held it the rest of the way home.

**Author's Note:**

> The song those lyrics are from is actually "Stronger" by Clean Bandit. I recommend listening to that one and the song that originally inspired this fic, if for no other reason than simply the fact that they're amazing songs~


End file.
